Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
