I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
