I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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