I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
