your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I need to sanitize my soul.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
