Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
