I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
