I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
