I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
