i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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