Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
