Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
