The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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