i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
My dick has a subreddit
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
