I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
