I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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