I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
