I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I CAN MOONWALK!
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
