miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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