There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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