Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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