Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize