Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
