Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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