Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize