I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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