I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
