you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
