i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
