I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
