Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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