Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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