I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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