I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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