i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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