So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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