he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize