yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
