Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
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