I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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