You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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