so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
