even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I stole a fireplace last night.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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