It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You dont lie about slip and slides
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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