I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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