i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
