It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
