Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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