i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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