Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
