I didn't shave. On purpose
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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