I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
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