I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
