Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
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