dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
