Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
