Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
