awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
he thought i was a dude.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
