At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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