the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
