Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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