i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
