I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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