So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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