$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
